Social stigmas and stereotypes

A couple of months ago I was participating in an interview with an academic from the Macquarie Graduate School of Management on the experiences of executive women.  Kelvin, the interviewer, asked me whether as a woman leader, I’d experienced any social pressures or stereotypes that had impacted my decisions on parenting, work or both.  Or whether it impacts on the career choices of other women.

Without hesitation, my answer was “yes”.  But I gave it little more thought til a number of incidents over the past week or two reminded me just how much social pressure is out there.

When it comes to women, ambition and parenting, it seems everyone has an opinion.  When it comes to men, ambition is accepted irrespective of their parenting status.  Men are rarely even asked about their family status in the work context.  For women, the same could not be said. 

Think I’m being far fetched?  Last month I came across a female partner of a law firm aged 42 who was pursued by a headhunter.  She agreed to meet with the headhunter and the first  question she was asked (seriously, the FIRST question!) was “So tell me about yourself.  Are you married?  Kids?”  On another occasion, a female executive arriving late to a meeting apologized that she had a sick child who took some time to settle before she could get away.  One of her male peers asked “who does look after your kids while you’re at work, anyway?”

The answer to both of these questions is clearly “that’s none of your business!”  And it isn’t.  I mean, when was the last time you asked one of your male colleagues who looks after his kids when he’s at work?  Or you asked a male candidate whether he has kids in the first place.  Yet this is a question I am asked practically every time I speak at an event, and was regularly asked in my executive career.  In my executive career or when I’m speaking on change management and leadership, it’s almost always men who ask, perhaps as their way of “getting to know me” (I’m being sarcastic).  When I’m speaking on women in the workplace, it’s usually women who ask – perhaps as a way to benchmark themselves against me.  Either way, the men around me are never asked.

Then we have our supporters in the sisterhood, like Mem Fox the children’s author who reported last week across mainstream media that childcare for infants is nothing short of “child abuse”.  "I don't know why some people have children at all if they know that they can only take a few weeks off work," she said.  Possibly for the same reason as men who work have children – because they want to experience the rewards of parenting and leave a legacy.  There’s a good reason why Fox writes children’s fiction – she clearly lives in La-La Land.  We have situations across our country of children being starved to death, and Fox chooses to hone in on childcare to make her statement on abuse.

And on the weekend, blogger Penelope Trunk listed all the reasons why Sarah Palin shouldn’t be running for VP in America, as a woman with five children including an infant with special needs and a grandchild on the way.  Trunk argues that if she – with the help of a nanny and housekeeper and cleaner – couldn’t manage parenting and a high profile career, then neither will Palin (of course Trunk omitted the fact that after repeated blogging about her husband’s downfalls and character flaws, her marriage failed and she’s now also a single parent which of course brings a range of challenges that are not unique but which do make her situation different to Palin’s).

Look, I’m no expert.  But if all of this is not social pressure against women combining a career, ambition and parenting, then what is?  You’re damned if you do, and damned if you don’t.  I know this and I acknowledge it.  So yes, social pressures do impact my decisions and choices.  I’d be lying if I said otherwise. 

Comments

[Elizabeth Chau]

Twenty five years ago in New Zealand, my first child was born. When he was one year old I went back to work part time. In this first year he was placed in family day care, being looked after by a family. On his third birthday, he graudated to full-time childcare. My child learnt social and relationship skills and by the time he went to school at 5 years old, I can proudly say, he conducted himself so impeccably well that his first year teacher remarked to me that "he is the finest boy I have ever taught in my teaching life". This, from a teacher who has been teaching new entrants for 20+ years!. Now my son is 25 years old and he has continued to blossom as a well adjusted, compassionate and gentle adult. Who says childcare as part of his development is abuse?? I repeated this exercise with his younger brother with the same results. Sisters, please do get it; it is not the quantity of time you spend with your children that counts - it is the quality of every moment you spend with them that counts.

I had my fair share of detractors during this time as nearly the whole of (certainly felt like it) NZ, criticised me and condemned me citing that I will "destroy" my children!

[Helen Wiseman]

Jen
You make excellent points - spot on and very timely. I have been screaming at my internet newspaper all week. Ms Palin's hubby is apparently staying at home to look after the kids so what's the fuss about? Very stereotypical - only a woman could ably look after 5 kids, after all? (not).

It angers me - I don't see comments wondering how Obama would cope as president as a father. The question wouldn't even arise - he has a "wife" (Michelle Obama seems like a smashing lady).

I do rather take issue with your strong criticism of Mem Fox - "abuse" is a very strong word and in that, of course, I understand your ire at the comparison with other more commonly understood forms of child abuse. But to say she is in "la la land" is also going a bit far. Perhaps I misunderstood that part of your blog. Could Mem Fox not have a point if you dig beneath the strong language?

I shouldn't have thought it would be harmful to put an infant in childcare in many cases, (I am hardly an expert) but I look at my own little one and god forbid that I should have put her into childcare before the age of 1. This is strictly a function of some very unique personal circumstances and absolutely NOT a judgment call against others.

Parents know their children and know best how their infant will cope. What we need is excellent quality longitudinal research to inform the debate either way - when is it not appropriate, when is it OK?

Of course many parents don't have a choice, and others recognise that it is important to the health of the family to balance bub's needs with a parent's needs including work satisfaction needs (within appropriate boundaries).

Mem Fox is entitled to her admittedly controversial viewpoint [hope she is reading this], (as is Sphinnx), but in my view, in la la land she ain't. I think the debate is a worthy one, perhaps more acceptable if it weren't couched in terms of "abuse". I note that the general theme of staying at home with bub (be it Mum or Dad) is used to support paid parental leave arguments.

Of course, it is hard to get traction on such issues when opinion is so divided (divided that is when it relates to mothers, I rarely hear concerns about what happens to the wellbeing of an infant when Dad goes back to work in the first 12 months....)

[Danielle Stein Fairhurst]

I like your point, I mean no one ever asks my husband how he "manages it all", or who looks after his children.

Unfortunately the responsibility for childcare still seems to be the domain of the mother and hey, we get all the praise for managing to work AND have a career, right?

While it is none of people's business whether I have children or not it's still a common and totally understandable talking point - if I choose to disclose my parenting status (which I often don't).

[Elsa Pahnke]

Whilst appreciating the point you made, without reservation, I would like to highlight another kind of stereotyping that goes on.

I chose not to have children. While I wish I could say - 'I chose my career" - it is more a matter of history, circumstance and a lack of desire.

But when you are asked - as all women are - Do you have children? - and the response it 'no' - more often than not you get a glazed look in the questioner's eyes. Depending on their gender and situation - if it's a man they assume you are career focussed, a man in a women's body with no sensitivity and they start treating you like 'one of the boys'. If it's a happily married father who dotes on his offspring - there must be something 'wrong' with you as all real women want children or maybe you're gay or just selfish. They immediately assume that you're life outside of work is unimportant, late meetings, no problem for you, extra work, why not ? You have no children to rush home to.

Sadly, there is often a negative response from other women as well. They too think that either you are selfish, or gay, or twisted or tragic.

The women's based initiatives at work always stress the working mother, issues with childcare are 'burning'. HR assumes this is what all working women are concerned with - maybe working women with children but not all women have children.

In the end, all people, men and women, are 'guilty' of being less than perfect humans. Tolerance, understanding and less presuming would improve all our relationships.

That and maybe we, as women, should ask men - Do you have children ? and who's looking after them, especially when they work late. By gentlily challenging the status quo, we can all make a difference in spreading understanding.

[Nesha]

Way to go Jen!
Being a child care centre owner / operator I've been drawn into the Mem Fox issue over the past week. I support paid parental leave. However, putting a child into a high quality centre is not abuse and is a choice that parents should be able to make without guilt or shame.

What I am astonished about is, like you, that the debate focuses on the choices that women make. Even when settling into child care, we describe the guilt that a mother feels - NEVER the emotional difficulties men may face - as in many cases it simply isn't on their radar.

How many men do you hear making the following statements "we're delaying children until my career is established", "I need to return to work part time in order to keep my foot in the door of my business", "I find myself doing so many things frantically - parenting, working, running a house, being a friend - that I feel I can't do them well", "I feel so guilty about returning to work and putting my child into care", "Sorry I can't work late I have to pick up the kids", "I don't work on Tuesdays as that's my day at home with the kids (and housework!)", "working full time and parenting full time is a struggle", "can we reschedule the meeting, I've got to take my child to a specialist"........

Like you I am sick of the child care debate focusing on women, and not 'parents' - like everyone else here - I agree, we've got enough of the load that we're shouldering without bearing the brunt of the parenting debates!

[Andrea >> Become a Consultant]

My husband has made sacrifices in his career to allow us to co-parent. I've made sacrifices, too. My husband blocks off time for doctor's appointments, preschool pickups/drop-offs, sick children, etc. So do I. Every family makes choices, but I'm surprised that more women do not insist that their husbands share in home responsibilities.